the time i got sick
While pregnant with my daughter, at around the 4-5 month mark, I started to suffer from vertigo. I continued to work at first…until I couldn’t anymore. I wasn’t eating, driving or cleaning. My dad (who is a family doctor) made me see an otolaryngologist who wasn’t sure what was going on (possibly vestibular dysfunction after an Epley manoeuvre proved ineffective). He sent me to a neurologist who conducted a whole barrel of tests including an MRI Brain.
After several missed antenatal appointments, the midwives told me if I didn’t show up they would have to call child services so I forcibly went in. I was waiting on the results of the MRI when I (barely) walked into the midwives clinic - eyes mostly shut, gaunt and wobbly. They admitted me. I spent a week in hospital and was sent home on Vitamin B and advised to take it easy.
I remember sitting next to my husband as he was driving (we were also looking for a house at the time) and telling him, “I feel you doubt my dizziness is real. That it’s not that bad.” I was crying and I remember how my body felt - like a tonne of bricks was trying to find its way down my throat into my gut. To not be believed when all I’ve done in life is believe people and try to help them felt so lonely. I had abandoned myself enough times that when I needed to be seen and heard - it felt unacceptable.
I’ll cut the story short - I ended up spending 2 weeks in another hospital where, after another MRI Brain and lumbar puncture - they discovered I had retinal vasculitis. But couldn’t work out why. The solution was corticosteroids. I would see the ophthalmologist weekly and finally gave birth to a healthy baby girl! There were worries I might have Behçet's disease and they considered multiple sclerosis (mum has it) but there was nothing concrete.
Fast forward to 2020. In the midst of COVID I started having panic attacks and started seeing a counsellor (an absolute God-send). At the time I was reading ‘When the body says no’ by Gabor Maté and came across some of the personality traits and repressed emotions that could lead to chronic conditions. I told my counsellor my greatest fear - that my people-pleasing, ‘‘I-have-no-needs’ mentality had caused my body to say ‘no’ in the form of retinal vasculitis. And it would do it again if I didn’t change. My counsellor walked with me through that journey (and still does).
In 2023, I gave birth to a boy and exhibited no signs of retinal vasculitis. I haven’t experienced many ‘suddenlies’ in my own life and hence I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting I found the cure. I’m sharing my story so you can also find yours.